How Harry Potter Did NOT Go To Hogwarts
by Tesgura
Summary: The title says it all really. Too much more and I'd give away the story. There is no point to this one though, just a random thought turned into a fic.
1. Chapter 1

The story of how Harry Potter did NOT go to Hogwarts

A/N: I know I should be working on my other stories but this bugged me until I wrote it. Maybe now my muse will let me write what I should be writing. ^_^ Anyway, this was inspired by my friends and I who aren't pagan, we don't practice religion, we practice magic. I hope you enjoy!

A five year old Harry Potter cringed as his Aunt Petunia screamed bloody murder throughout the house. The night before she had taken a pair of kitchen scissors to his hair, complaining that it looked horrendous, leaving only his bangs to cover the scar his uncle had told him he'd gotten from the car crash that killed his parents. Now it was the morning and he had to make breakfast before going to school, and all of his hair had mysteriously grown back. It's appearance was apparently not welcome.

Two hours later found a scared young Harry Potter in the local orphanage.

It wasn't quite as bad as his aunt and uncle had made it out to be though. He got more food than he had before, and he had chores yes, but he didn't have to do everything. All of the children pitched in to help. He wasn't exactly well liked, since odd things did still tend to occur around him, but no one actively attacked him like his cousin had.

Harry was in the orphanage for maybe 4 months before a young couple came and, having heard the odd stories from the other children about how different he was, adopted him!

Harry grew up with a loving mother and father. His father went into town on weekdays to work at the office that published books his mother promised he would know more about when he was older while his mother stayed home and wrote books that he was allowed to read. Needless to say, Harry was more interested in what was in front of him that he was allowed access to.

His mother wrote books on the occult, spending her days studying different branches of paganism from a non-pagan perspective.

While other children grew up believing in whatever religion their parents did, Harry James Potter Robinson grew up believing in no religion, only magic, just as his new parents did. And so it was that when Harry turned 11, in the middle of his birthday breakfast, that an extra letter seemed to have appeared in with the rest of his cards. Curious, Harry held up the heavy envelope for his parents to see before opening it.

"Mom, Dad, I think someone's having a laugh at me. Is it one of your friends?" He asked, holding out the letter to his parents.

Frowning, his father took the letter and read it, his frown deepening as he read on. He passed it off to his wife. "What do you make of it dear? He asked.

After reading it over she put it down on the table. "It certainly looks like a joke. Who in their right minds believe you need cauldron for one thing to make potions? And Some of those ingredients sound absolutely preposterous. Dragon scales, fairy dust? Ridiculous! If you want to write back Harry, go right ahead."

And so Harry scribbled a quick reply:

Dear Joker,

Thanks for the birthday laugh! It was confusing at first but mom's an actual occultist so we figured out it was a joke pretty quick. Honestly, who needs a cauldron for potions? We make ours on the stove! Anyway, thanks again for the laugh!

Harry Robinson

And Harry put it back in the post box for the mailman the next day. And so it was that with this reply, Harry managed to confuse Headmaster Dumbledore greatly, who was under the distinct impression that Harry had grown up with the Dursleys who did not practice magic in the least. Double checking the roster he confirmed that Dudley Dursely was not only not a muggle-born, but he also wasn't older than his cousin Harry and so there was no logical conclusion that he could come up with to explain the odd reply.

Instead of sending Hagrid, who he had originally intended to gather Harry if things got difficult, Dumbledore summoned his potions master, Severus Snape to his office.

"I have to finish my lesson plans for the rest of the year Headmaster, I hope this is important." The lanky man sneered.

"Quite so my boy, have a look at this letter would you?" He handed to letter to him. After a few seconds Snape handed the letter back to the headmaster with a look of disdain.

"What do you make of it?" Dumbledore asked.

"Clearly the boy doesn't wish to come to school here, I don't see how it's of any importance to me. Or are you asking about the idea of making potions on a stove? Because I can assure you that is not something I would ever deign to include in my teachings." Snape sneered at the idea.

"My dear boy, I should think this boy's attendance would affect you greatly, considering who it is." Dumbledore told him. Snape looked back down at the letter to read who it was from and saw that it was signed 'Harry Robinson'.

"And some muggle-born affects me how?"

"That letter actually came as a reply to the one sent to Harry Potter." The headmaster told him. Snape frowned in confusion. "If you would be so kind as to visit him, he seems to think this is some sort of trick, as you read and I was hoping you could clear up the matter for me."

Snape sneered once more, the cleverly worded request was little more than a demand of the benign old man. Without a word he turned on his heal and stalked out of the office.

Two hours later had Severus Snape outside of Number 4 Private Drive, mentally cringing at having to spend any amount of time in this slice of muggle suburbia before he knocked on the door. A porky thing he might generously call a boy on a good day opened the door and looked him up and down.

Snape rose an eyebrow as the boy took in his muggle attire, a simple suit, of all black, was the best he could come up with on such short notice.

"Dad! There's a dead guy at the door for you!" And with that the blob waddled off. Snape got the distinct impression he was trying to run away. As a larger blob of a man made his way to the door, Snape raised his eyebrows at the descriptor the man's son had given him.

The other man gave a quick chuckle. "Sorry about the boy, he's been watching a lot of telly. How can I help you sir?"

Snape shook his head at the pathetic display. This was the type of thing that almost made him glad to be a Death Eater. "I am here to inquire about Mr. Harry Potter?" He said in as pleasant a voice as he could, though it wasn't that friendly.

The man's eye narrowed dangerously, folds of fat from his eyelids flopping over his eyes and making him look more amusing than dangerous. "Now see here freak, we got rid of that little brat years ago. We washed our hands of his freakishness, now get away from my family! We won't have any more of your people bothering us." And he slammed the door in Snape's face.

Glowering at having to put effort into finding this brat, Snape pulled out his wand discretely and said 'point me, Harry Potter'. And pulled his broom out of his pocket, enlarging it and disillusioning himself to find the boy. He really did hate flying, but when it came to finding odd potion ingredients, some of their magical properties were disrupted if you apparated to their location.

Landing at the house in the middle of a much nicer suburb, Snape pocketed his once more shrunken broom. The house he stood in front of seemed pleasant enough, with a garden out from and a small black kitten slinking imperiously through the tall grasses surrounding a large oak tree.

"Come here Jynx!" Called a voice from somewhere near the back. "I've got your fish." The voice called, and the black kitten's head shot up at the magic word, all pretense of stealth abandoned in favor of the delicious treat and it bounded of to the back. Noting how quickly the cat had responded in the back of his mind, Snape went to the front door, knocking.

Harry answered the door after a moment, knowing his mother was busy either doing research, writing or practicing magic, but not before petting Jynx a bit, making sure he reaffirmed the familiar bond between them.

"Hello sir, I'm sorry but we don't need your god." Harry said after taking a quick look at his attire.

Snape sighed. Well at least it was better than being assumed to be a dead person. "I'm here for you Potter." He said.

Eyes narrowing, the boy closed the door a bit, though enough to continue the discussion it would be easier to slam it if needed. "My name is Harry Robinson. I haven't been Harry Potter for years." Harry told him.

"In any case, I am here in regard to your invitation to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Your response had a few people puzzled to say the least."

"Oh you sent the joke? It was funny yeah? Good one. But seriously, whoever you are, you should have done a bit of poking about first. Everyone knows mum is an occultist. We knew it was a joke right off." Harry told him, relaxing his hold on the door a bit.

"Yes, about that, I am the Potions Master at the school and I was highly insulted at the insult to my profession in your letter. Of course one needs a cauldron to brew potions." Snape told him.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're still trying to sell the joke then? Lame."

"It is no joke I assure you. I can prove to you that magic exists if you don't believe me." Snape offered, knowing the Headmaster would just keep sending him back if he didn't get Harry bloody Potter to believe him and come to Hogwarts.

Harry cocked his head to the side and stared at the man incredulously. "Why do you think your cat seems to understand you so well? He pointed out, wanting to use logic before exposing magic n case the boy's 'mother' were about.

"Well duh, because Jynx is my familiar. Obviously he understands me. Are you through with this joke? It's not funny anymore." Harry told the man.

Resigned, Snape pulled out his wand and made one of the potted plants on the walkway float.

Startled, Harry snapped at the man. "What are you, stupid?" Snape was shocked at the reaction. "What if a mundie saw you doing that?"

"Are you referring to muggles?" Snape asked.

"No, I'm talking about mudies. You know? Mundane people, who don't use magic." Harry explained.

"We call those people muggles." Snape told him.

Whatever dude, look you need better control. You can't be doing that in public. Anyway, I need to get back to my homework now. Bye!" And Harry tried to close the door but Snape shoved his foot in the doorway, wincing as the door smashed his foot.

"Dude, are you nuts! MOM!" A woman cam quickly around the corner and saw Snape with his foot smashed in the door frame.

"Whoever you are, you need to leave. We don't tolerate trespassers in this house, and if you don't leave now you won't enjoy the consequences." She told him dangerously.

"I was to explain to the boy that he is being given a once in a lifetime chance to attend the most prestigious schools for young witches and wizards." Snape growled at her.

"I thought one of Harry's little friends sent that joke, if you don't remove your person I will call the authorities on you for harassment. And another thing, witches and wizards are something the mundies call us. We're all magi, no gender stereotypes. Now get out!" And she lifted her hand palm open to him and a blast unlike anything he'd ever felt before shot him out onto the walkway, landing on his arse. Jynx stood off to the side, hissing dangerously at him.

Frowning, he apparated as close to Hogwarts as he was able to walk up and explain to the Headmaster that Harry Potter would not be attending school there. Ever.

The End.


	2. Harry still isn't going to Hogwarts!

**Wow a lot of you wanted a continuation of this. Two suggestions caught my eye but one of them I had briefly thought of before so here's the 'sequel' of sorts. It's a few years later, lets say 6 years. Voldemort is back and he wants to know where Harry Potter is hiding.**

Bealtrix giggled insanely to herself as she followed her master. They were going to confront the Potter boy. Who did he think he was, hiding from her master like that? No one ignored him, not even an enemy!

Voldemort slowed as they reached their destination. A well kept house in an upper middle class neighborhood where the Potter brat lived.

"Bealtrix, go and get the pest. I will no longer be ignored." He ordered and she giggled once more, eager to do as he bid. He cringed but reminded himself once again that she was one of him most loyal minions who never questioned him.

Bealtrix stepped up to the front door and blasted the door off the hinges. "Is ickle baby Potter playing hide and go seek?" She called out in a sickening tone.

"What the bloody hell?" Came the answering scream from another woman, giving Bealtrix pause. "Who the hell are you and what in the world are you blasting my door in for you mad banshee?" A woman came out ranting. Voldemort stood watching from where he was, amused to see Bealtrix's insanity failing her for once.

"And for that matter who the hell are you? We've already told you idiot mundies that Harry isn't going to that stupid school no matter how many letters you send. I would have thought after the first time you'd get it, but you keep sending one every years and it's honestly just pathetic." She told the other woman.

Bealtrix seemed to pull herself together finally. "What in Merlin's beard is a mundie?" She asked. Well shit, guess not, Voldemort thought to himself. Insanity should never really be prized, he supposed.

"You people, I think the first one called them muggles, just because you need wands doesn't make you real magi. My son has enough of an education right here at home and I'll not be sending him off to some boarding school where you don't even teach math, and that's final!"

"Mom, are those nut-jobs back again?" Harry asked, popping his head around the corner.

Ignoring the insane woman on her front step, his mother turned to him. "Are you finished with your homework Harry?"

"Yep, can I play with the idiots for a while?" He asked, motioning the two dressed in robes.

"Well, since you're finished your homework, all right." She said. "But be careful, don't hurt yourself."

"I won't!" He told her, hoping past a dumbstruck Bealtrix. "So which of you idiots is in charge of bringing me to that ridiculous school this time?" He asked.

Furious, Bealtrix grabbed him by the upper arm and marched him to the front of the yard to stand before Voldemort. "Kneel before your betters boy." She sneered at him.

"Okay, do you see any?" Harry replied flippantly.

Voldemort snarled. "How dare you boy, I will make you kneel before me in pain for that." He pulled out his wand and cast the Cruciatus curse.

"Oh that's so lame, you still use a wand! I haven't used one of those in years. And you say incantations too, that is just too weak. And they don't even work, was that supposed to actually hurt or something?" Harry taunted.

Voldemort frowned, momentarily confused. He cast the curse again. And again. Still Harry stood and laughed. "Bealtrix!" He barked.

"Yes my Lord, right away!" And she too pulled out her wand and tried to curse him but to no avail.

By this point Harry was doubled over in laughter. "You two are too much!" He gasped out. "Here, let me show you how a real magi works." He straightened up and glared, instantly the other two fell to the ground in agony.

"How can you possibly be doing that? You can't be able to feel true hatred, not living this privileged life." Voldemort demanded.

"Hatred? No, I don't feel that ever. Is that what your spells were feeding off of? No wonder they didn't work on me. I don't feel hatred so why in the world would a spell based in hate effect me?" Harry scoffed.

Bealtrix remained on the ground, still twitching in agony as they discussed this and watched, horrified as her Lord and Master began to seizure. Harry released his spell immediately and she rushed to Voldemort, apparating them away to find a healer, but since no one was stupid enough to heal the Dark Lord, he died of a heart attack.

The End. For Real.


End file.
